FIght Fair

Happy Valentine’s Day! On a day we focus on the positive aspects of relationships and show our appreciation to our loved ones, it seems fitting to offer relationship advice; namely, marriage advice. Every marriage has its ups and downs, and every married couple will fight. However, do you fight fairly? Dr. John M. Gottman, codirector of the Seattle Marital and Family Institute, warns about four destructive interactions: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.

• Criticism is more than a complaint about a given issue. Criticism is when your complaint becomes a personal attack on your spouse’s character or personality.
• Contempt has many forms; namely, sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, eye-rolling, sneering, mockery, and hostile humor. Contempt is so destructive because the underlying message conveys disgust.
• Defensiveness fuels the fire of a fight because it is used as a way to blame your partner rather than admit guilt. In effect, you are saying “The problem isn’t me, it’s you.”
• Stonewalling is when one spouse disengages. Rather than listening to what is being said, he/she acts as though he/she could care less about what is being said. This interaction is destructive because the individual is not only avoiding a fight, but he/she is also avoiding the marriage.

This Valentine’s Day, commit to fighting fair by avoiding these four destructive interactions. Not only will it improve your marriage, but it will also improve your health!